Fic- Forever Part Twenty Seven

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: Forever

By Branwen Blaidd & Oncoming Scone

Part Twenty Seven of Thirty One

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Rating: Adult - Dark Themes, Violence, Graphic sex, AU

Spoilers: Torchwood & Doctor Who all seasons to date.

Summary: Set after Exit Wounds and Journey’s End, no-one is coping with recent tragic events. In an attempt to bring the team back to unity and strength, Ianto makes a decision that will change the fate of Torchwood, and the world, Forever.

Disclaimers: Despite 5 months of creating this together, we own nothing and never will! The various songs, verses, etc do not belong to us either. 

Notes: This is AU, though it begins in line with canon up to Exit Wounds. We hope to post one chapter each day at roughly the same time. Comments please!

 

 

Ianto moved slowly around the hub, checking everything. The CCTV system was running perfectly with its new updates. The archives were all perfectly in order.

He’d made out a To Do list for Jack for the next two weeks. After that…well, by then they’d have hired someone else.

Everything was in order, just the way Ianto liked it. He felt calm now, soothed by his organising. Everything would be all right now.

With Ianto running everything like clockwork, Jack felt calm. Everything was out in the open once and for all. Ianto would heal; they all would. And now it was business as usual. He felt his heart swell with pride as he watched Ianto performing his duties. He knew Ianto was hurting. He knew there must be guilt. But they would get there.

 Gwen watched them both. She’d never known Jack to be so wiped out. She thought to herself, rather darkly, that he may well have died of exhaustion at least once over the last few days and simply come bounding back to make a conference call.

But Ianto was another matter. She had seen him like this before. The steadiness. The smile not quite reaching the eyes. The neater and tidier he was on the outside, the more tormented he was on the inside. But Jack was oblivious; unable to believe that Ianto was anything other than safe and sound. She began to feel that she was the only remaining member of Torchwood left with any objectivity.

Ianto barely spoke. He barely made eye contact with anyone. But he was pleasant and calm. Three days slowly drifted by and Ianto knew there was only one was that Jack could live with what had happened.

He watched darkness fall. It was late. Gwen had gone home and he was finally free of her cool gaze. He held Jack to him and kissed him softly.

“You’re so quiet, Ianto,” Jack murmured.

Ianto caressed his cheek. “Don’t worry about me. I’m just…coming to terms with everything. Now, it’s time for bed.”

Jack sighed dramatically. “You’re so bossy lately.”

Ianto smiled fondly. “And you’re exhausted.”

They undressed each other and climbed into bed. Ianto wrapped Jack in his arms and kissed him softly. “Go to sleep now.”

“You’re staying and sleeping too though?”

“Of course.” Ianto kissed Jack gently on the forehead. “I love you, cariad.”

Jack smiled and closed his eyes. “I love you too.”

Ianto held Jack close and watched him slowly fall asleep.

Ianto breathed deeply and took just a moment to gaze at Jack. He smiled a little, then carefully edged out of bed and got dressed.

He put on his best suit. The plain black one, with a red shirt and black tie. His shoes were perfectly polished and he had emptied his pockets of any ID.

He looked once at Jack, then turned and climbed up the ladder and into Jack’s office. He opened Jack’s desk drawer and brought out the small tin he kept there. He opened it and took out the photograph of himself. Ianto remembered how happy he’d been the day Jack had placed that photograph in there. That tin was for people Jack wanted to remember.

But now, Ianto’s picture didn’t belong in there. He took it out, then replaced the tin in the drawer.

He placed the picture on the desk with a carefully written note on top of it.

Please don’t remember me.

Everything had gone away. Ianto didn’t hurt inside anymore. He didn’t feel anything but calm.

He drove home. Quietly, he attended to everything which needed doing. He emptied his fridge and freezer. He tidied up and emptied his bins. He packed his things into boxes and turned off his electricity.

It was time. He left his car. He took a taxi out of the city, then walked the rest of the way. The walk soothed him and let him think. He knew this was the right thing to do. It was the only way. At least this way, Jack wouldn’t have to face the hurt Ianto had caused him.

He breathed deeply as he walked up to the cliff. This was it.

He gazed down at the darkness below him. One step more and he would fall into nothingness and it would all be over. The end. The darkness would embrace him and take him away.

He closed his eyes. What would happen afterwards? His Da had always told him about heaven. He wasn’t sure if it was true. But he had to have faith. Perhaps, by sacrificing himself to save Jack’s hurt, his soul might be saved. But maybe his soul was too damaged by that dark creature he’d let into his life.

He took a deep breath.

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
Should I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

            His voice was quiet and his last thought was of the peace that prayer had once brought him.

“Jack,” he breathed and stepped forwards into the darkness.

                                                * * *

“Ianto!”

Ianto caught himself right on the edge and blinked slowly. Jack? Could Jack have come after him? No, he didn’t want that. He didn’t want Jack to have to see him die. He wanted to just disappear from Jack’s life forever.

But it wasn’t Jack. It was Gwen.

“Ianto. Don’t.”

Ianto felt bitterness swell inside him. It was PC Cooper again. He scowled.

But he was wrong. She didn’t sound like a police woman. She just sounded like Gwen.

He turned slightly and looked at her. She was lit only by the soft headlights from her car behind her. Her dark hair whipped around her face in the wind and her soft brown eyes were wide with distress. Her face had blanched, making her freckles jump out at him.

“Don’t. Please.” Exhaustion filled her voice. She sounded weak. He knew there was no physical way she could stop him. She stood there, still and sad.

He thought for a moment, still rooted to his position, right on the edge of the cliff. “How did you know I was here?” He could just fall backwards into the darkness. But he didn’t want her to see it either.

“I followed you,” she said. “Jack should have been honest from the start. Would have been easier for you.”

Ianto turned back and gazed into the darkness as shame consumed him.

“Ianto,” she spoke softly. “You need to know something. We could, and should, have killed you. You know that. He knows that. But we couldn’t. We did everything we could to bring you back. Do you think we would have bothered if we didn’t want you here?”

He said nothing but turned his head to look at her.

“For God’s sake, Ianto, please step away from the edge.”

“I can’t live with this, Gwen,” he said. “What I did to him…to others…”

“It wasn’t you. It happened as a result of a choice you made, but you didn’t know this would happen.”

Ianto looked away.

“Ianto. You didn’t choose to kill anyone. You chose to try to be with Jack forever. If you’d known what was going to happen, you wouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t you.”

“It was still these hands, Gwen! This body. People are dead because of me!”

“Ianto, people die all the time because of decisions people make. It’s indirect. It’s not intentional. If it were, you would have been shot. By me, by Jack. But you’re still an innocent and we got you back!”

“An innocent?” spat Ianto. “Do you know what I did to him? Did he tell you? I attacked him! I…”

He couldn’t say it. Gwen stayed silent and just listened.

“I remember everything. It was like being drunk. Or in the back seat of your mind, and someone else is driving. I wanted him. And then I…”

“It wasn’t you,” she said again. “Ianto, think! Think of all the terrible things people do to each other under the influence of alcohol, or drugs. Or under strain. Why do you think we have these laws? Temporary insanity. Diminished responsibility.”

“Oh great. So I’m off the hook.”

“Do you want me to send you to prison? Huh, Ianto?” She was getting angry now. “I’m sure Jack would love that. That is, if you haven’t killed yourself and done the one thing that would crush him completely.”

Ianto flinched.

“I can do that, Ianto. They could tie the death of that boy to you. And you’d get life.”

His heart was pounding. He forced himself to look at her.

“Or you can make amends. Continue to do what you do best and help us fight what’s coming. Because we need you. But if you die now; if you give into this guilt, all you’ll be is another corpse. Another wasted life. And Jack and I will be forced to remember you forever as that thing, rather than who you really are!”

Ianto turned from her once more. Then he began to pace, suddenly lost. Things weren’t going to plan.

 “Jack’s always saving me, always protecting me,” he murmured. “The world needs Jack. He’s here for a reason. To help people. And yet he threw that all away because he loves me. I never thought I’d hear him say it. The best thing he could say to me.”

His voice cracked. His eyes fell on a small flower as it bent under the harsh breeze.

“But it’s a curse. He can’t think straight when it comes to me. I need to be out of his way. Best thing I can do for Jack is be gone. So he won’t have to hurt when he looks at me, so he won’t have to face what I did to him. So he can be what he needs to be.”

“Oh what the hell is that, Ianto? Vampire logic?”

“I should be dead!”

            “Tough!” she screamed. “What do you think this is like for him? For me? All those things you did, you did to him and he still loves you. He died for you. And this is how you repay him! Well, Ianto, I guess you really are just a coward after all!”

He reeled in shock. She was trembling with fury and her eyes were fierce. He could tell she meant it. There was no negotiating, no tactics. Just Gwen.

“Go on then! Jump! End it all. Be another statistic. Destroy him. Go on, Ianto. Destroy you and destroy him. Destroy all three of us while you’re at it. And when you’ve done that, rejoice in the knowledge that you single-handedly brought down Torchwood because you couldn’t look your lover in the face!”

His mouth fell open. She was suddenly walking away.

“Gwen!” It was an anguished shout. “I’m doing this to help.”

She stepped back towards him slowly. “You’re helping yourself,” she hissed. “I know you’re in pain. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. But it will pass. You can do more good by staying. This is the easy way out.”

“Easy?” bellowed Ianto, fury coming off him in waves. “How the hell is this easy?”

“Oh there you are, Ianto,” said Gwen, evenly. “You’ve come back to us after all.”

“W…what?” stammered Ianto, quaking.

“You’re a fighter. Pure and simple. And we need you. It’s why we love you. In time you’ll accept that. But you need to fight this. Don’t give in. Don’t let it take you away again.” Her voice wavered.

Ianto blinked at her through the dark.

“It’d kill him Ianto. If it were ever possible for Jack to die, this would be how. You wouldn’t be saving him, Ianto. You would be forcing him to live with the pain of your memory forever. Think about it, Ianto. You could have years together yet. Or you could have tomorrow. But just think of how he’d feel if he wasn’t even there when you died, if he knew that you took yourself away from him. If all he knows of it is when they find your mangled body at the bottom of this cliff. You’d kill him, Ianto.”

Ianto shuddered. The world buzzed around him, the thoughts rushing around in his head. His own breathing roared in his ears. He glanced up at her. She’d edged closer to him, as if ready to grab him if he made that leap.

He thought about it. He could still do it. He could end it. I pray the Lord my soul to take. He may not even have a soul anymore. But…at least he had Jack. And Jack loved him.

“Gwen…”

“I’m taking you home. And he’s never going to find out about this. Got that? After all the protection he’s given you, you owe him that. I never want him to know how eager you were to leave him.”

Ianto scowled. “I never want to leave him! This is the whole point. The only reason I did this is so I could be with him forever.”

Gwen huffed with frustration. “Then why the hell are you trying to throw yourself off a cliff?”

Ianto opened his mouth to answer, but no answer came. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what he was doing. He looked at Gwen wide-eyed. A lost boy.

Gwen’s expression softened. “You won’t always feel this way, Ianto. It will get better. And Jack…all Jack wants is for you to feel better, to be soothed and to love him. That’s it.”

He had no words. But in that moment, she was all he had. All he knew and all he could trust. She was so real, so human, so innocent. And she, too, wanted him to live.

“Home,” said Gwen, firmly.

He didn’t speak; just followed her into her car and she drove them back to the hub.

Comments

[stargazer60.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I guess this is Ianto's Rock Bottom.

And YAY! Gwen for pulling him back...

[drunkendeadcat.livejournal.com]

truly terrific

[wykling.livejournal.com]

OMGOMGOMG!!!
For I really thought you were going to cliff him! xD
But hey, YAY for Gwen!!!
Okay, after hitting rock bottom, can we expect Ianto to become better *puppy eyes*
I hope Jack won't find out about the attempted cliffing.

[amcpep.livejournal.com]

Crying now. But in a good way. My heart was in my mouth when I realised what Ianto was planning. But thank God for Gwen and her nosy ways. All better now? Please. But still four chapters to go!

[jsks.livejournal.com]

another powerful chapter.

[trektotorch.livejournal.com]

Very strong chapter. Gwen was right--if anything would kill Jack it would be Ianto committing sucide. Good for Gwen!!!

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

wow, loved that, Gwen is awesome!

[chibiryoko2001.livejournal.com]

*speechless*

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

Oh Gwen...thank God for Gwen...who knew I would say that??? GAHHHH!!!!!

[adira-tam.livejournal.com]

okay..I both like and admire Gwen in this....umm does that mean the sun is gonna rise in the west tomorrow??