Fic- Finding Ianto

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: Finding Ianto

Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Adult – sex, spanking, self-harm

Spoilers: Exit Wounds
Summary: Ianto is lost.

Disclaimers: I own nothing!

Notes: Comments please!

 

 

 

Ianto sat at his desk in the tourist office staring at the leaflets on the stand. They were out of order.

Everything was out of order. Ianto wanted to fix everything but he couldn’t. Everything was wrong. He felt wrong. And there was nothing he could do to make it better.

His fingers gripped the soothing metal of his penknife tightly. It was the only thing which did feel real these days. He hadn’t done it yet. He wanted to. He thought about it every day. He knew it would work. He knew it would make him feel something. It would ground him. Maybe it would even let him cry.

He glanced at the door. It was shut. He was safe. Nobody would see him.

Ianto opened the pen knife and looked at the way the blade shone in the light. Ianto took off his jacket and rolled up his shirt sleeve. He considered his bare arm. It had been a long time since he’d done this. The tiny scars had faded away into nothing but the painful memories still lurked beneath the skin.

He needed this. He did there was no other way to feel good.

He closed his eyes and pressed the blade to his skin. He was going to do this. It would help.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Ianto’s eyes snapped open and the penknife clattered to the floor.

Jack was standing in the doorway looking absolutely furious.

Ianto stood, backing away nervously. “I’m not doing anything. I…” he stammered, reaching for the knife.

Jack got there first, grabbing the pen knife and stuffing it in his pocket. “Like hell. I thought we’d been through this. You promised me you’d talk to me if you felt the urge.”

Ianto scowled. “Give me the knife, Jack.”

“No, Ianto. I am not going to let you do this.”

“Jack,” Ianto growled “Give it to me.” He lurched for Jack but Jack was quick. He grabbed Ianto’s wrist, spun him round and laid a hard smack on his backside.

“We’ll deal with this later,” he said, then turned and walked away.

Ianto, shocked and uncertain, sat down and stared at his desk. He felt lost and utterly helpless.

 

                                                * * *

 

Jack was furious. He’d been through this before and any time he thought Ianto was over it, he did it again. Jack wanted to help him but he didn’t know how.

“Jack, what’s the matter?” Gwen asked, as Jack stormed back into the main hub.

“Nothing. I’m just frustrated, pissed off and completely fucking helpless.” He threw himself onto the couch and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Is this about Ianto?” Gwen asked gently. She moved close to him and sat on the couch.

Jack glanced at her. “Yeah. He’s…all closed up and I don’t know what to do to help him.”

Gwen put her hand on Jack’s arm. “You need to help him face this. You need to help him let go. Trust yourself to know what to do. You know him best.”

Jack gave her a grateful smile. “Yeah, I…guess you’re right.”

She patted his arm. “I’m all finished with that calibration so I’m going to head home. You go and look after Ianto, okay?”

Jack nodded. “Thanks.”

“Goodnight, Jack,” she called, then grabbed her bag and hurried up and out.

As Gwen entered the tourist office, she saw Ianto sitting at his desk staring ahead at the leaflets.

She went over to him. He didn’t react to her presence. She kissed him gently on the forehead.

“Don’t worry,” she whispered. “Jack’s going to come and look after you now.”

Ianto didn’t say anything but as she left, he turned his head and watched her go.

Then, Jack was in the doorway. Ianto glanced up at him, then down at the floor.

“I didn’t do anything,” he said.

“I saw what happened,” Jack said, trying to keep his voice calm.

Ianto glanced up at him. “Are you mad at me?”

Jack sighed. “No. I’m scared for you.”

“Jack, there’s nothing to be scared of. I…”

“No, Ianto. You’re not right and you need help. I’m going to help you.”

Ianto swallowed. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to take you home and sort you out.”

“Jack…”

“Get your coat.” Jack said and made his way towards the door. Ianto grabbed his coat and followed him.

A few minutes later, they were in Ianto’s car and Jack was driving them back to Ianto’s place. Ianto sat silently in the passenger seat staring out of the window.

“Why did you want to do that, Ianto?” Jack asked gently.

Ianto shrugged. “Dunno.”

“Yeah, you do. Talk to me. Please. Let me help you. What were you thinking before, hmm? What did you want from that knife?”

Ianto was silent for a long moment. Jack just waited.

“I…” Ianto started. “I wanted to…feel something. Anything.”

“You’re keeping yourself all closed up, Ianto. You need to let go, let yourself cry, scream, shout, all of that.”

“I…can’t. I…don’t know how.”

Jack glanced at him. He reached out and touched Ianto’s hand briefly. “That’s why I’m going to help you.”

Ianto looked up at him. “I hope you can.”

 

                                    * * *

 

When they got back to Ianto’s place, Jack immediately switched to calm, firm and in control.

“Go and have a shower,” he ordered and he went to prepare something simple for them to eat.

Ianto obeyed, taking a quick shower and returning twenty minutes later in his pyjamas.

Jack had made a quick meal of macaroni cheese. He knew that, when Ianto was like this, he didn’t eat properly but he was determined to make him.

They ate together. Ianto picked slowly at his food, but under Jack’s firm gaze, he ate it.

Jack finished first and laid down his fork to watch Ianto. Ianto glanced up at him. 

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to give you what you need to let go and cry.”

Ianto gazed down at his bowl. “How are you going to do that?” he asked, trying to sound casual.

“I think you know,” Jack said, calmly.

Ianto swallowed, and avoided looking up into Jack’s hard eyes.

Once Ianto had finished his food and cleaned his teeth, Jack took him by the hand and lead him into the living room.

Jack sat Ianto on the couch and brought the penknife out of his pocket and put it on the coffee table in front of Ianto.

“Well?”

Ianto glanced up at him. “Well what?”

“What I want to know is, how you can depend on that knife for comfort and you can’t depend on me.”

Ianto shrugged. “I dunno. I’ve…always had it and…” he trailed off.

“Well, not anymore,” Jack said. He picked the knife up and put it in his coat pocket, which he then hung it up on the back of the door.

“I’m keeping that now, so if you feel like you need to use it, you need to come to me and we’ll sort it out together. Okay?”

Ianto looked up at him briefly, then down at his clasped hands. “Can we just get this over with?”

“Okay. Stand up.”

Ianto stood, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.

Jack came around to beside him, in position to take a seat on the sofa. He touched Ianto’s hand. “It’s going to be all right. Promise.”

Ianto let out a breath and nodded. Jack sat down on the sofa. He skimmed a hand down Ianto’s thigh.

“You ready?” he asked, softly.

Ianto shrugged. “It’s not going to make a difference if I am or not.”

“It doesn’t make a difference what you say because I’m in control and I know you need this.”

 Ianto frowned a little but didn’t look up to meet Jack’s eyes. Jack put his arm around Ianto’s waist and gently encouraged him over his lap.

“Let this help you,” Jack said gently, as Ianto settled over his lap, with his face in the left side seat of the couch.

Ianto didn’t say anything. Jack took a deep breath, then raised his hand and brought it down hard on Ianto’s backside.

Ianto didn’t make a sound. Jack started spanking hard and rhythmically, the slaps ringing through the air. Jack’s hand began to sting as he brought it down over and over again on the seat of Ianto’s pyjamas.

Ianto didn’t make a single sound. Jack knew he needed more. He needed to be made to let go, to lose control.

Jack paused and pulled down Ianto’s pyjamas to his thighs. Ianto shifted a little and whimpered as his now pink bottom was exposed to the cool air.

“You know what I need from you, Ianto.”

Ianto pressed his face further into the couch seat.

Jack raised his hand again and brought it down with a resounding slap on Ianto’s bottom. Immediately, a dark handprint appeared on Ianto’s smooth skin. Jack didn’t pause but again spanked hard, moving fast between each buttock. Over and over and again, Jack’s hand crashed onto Ianto’s bottom and he watched it getting redder and redder.

Finally, Ianto’s bottom was a deep red and clearly tender, by the way Ianto flinched when Jack stroked it with his finger. But still, Ianto wasn’t crying and had barely even whimpered.

“Stand up,” said Jack.

Ianto took a gulp of air and struggled to his feet. He stood in front of Jack, his hands clasped in front of his bare crotch and his eyes on the floor.

Jack considered him. Ianto seemed almost completely unmoved. His face was flushed almost as red as his backside but Jack could see he still hadn’t broken through that thick layer.

“Okay. Corner time. Go on. Usual position.”

Ianto’s eyes lifted briefly to Jack’s then he went and did what he was told. Jack watched him as he walked to the usual corner and stood with his nose to the wall. His hands still covered his crotch.

Jack stood, clearing his throat as he walked over to Ianto. He smacked Ianto’s bottom hard.

“Hands on your head.”

Ianto blinked and did as he was told. Jack frowned. He could see Ianto was uncomfortable and it didn’t seem to be from the spanking. It was al most as if Ianto was uncomfortable with Jack seeing him naked but surely that couldn’t be it.

Jack considered him, wondering what to do to help. Normally, corner time was the time for Ianto to think about what he’d done but Jack could see he was switching off, gazing blankly at the wall in front of him.

Jack put a hand on his back. Ianto flinched from the contact.

“Okay, corner time is going to be a little different today. I need you to think and you’re not going to do that by yourself so…Talk.”

Ianto glanced briefly at him, then immediately back to the wall. “Talk,” he repeated listlessly. “What do you want me to talk about?”

“This whole thing, how you feel.”

There was a long silence. “I can’t talk about it,” he whispered eventually.

“Yes, you can. You can tell me.”

“No, I mean…I can’t talk about anything, not anymore. It hurts too much. I’ve…got to keep it inside but then…it has to hurt somewhere.”

“So…that’s why you cut?”

Ianto didn’t say anything.

Jack waited for several minutes for Ianto to talk more but he didn’t. He was far from losing control.

Jack took hold of his arm. “Come on. You need to go back over my knee.”

Ianto meekly let himself be put over Jack’s knee, in the same position as before. The redness in his bottom had faded to pink. Jack wondered whether he’d have to get it deep red and welted before Ianto gave in to him and his feelings.

Jack raised his hand and brought it down hard on Ianto’s already sore bottom. Ianto sucked in his breath and arched and wriggled as Jack started to spank him mercilessly. Over and over again, spanks reigned down on Ianto’s vulnerable backside, the slaps ringing through the air.

Ianto began to pant and Jack could see it was starting to hurt. Ianto kept his eyes closed, letting the spanks go through his entire body. Jack hoped that maybe it was starting to help.

“Ow,” Ianto gasped. “Oww, ow!”

“That’s it. Let it give you what you need,” Jack murmured.

“Can’t,” Ianto choked out. “Not enough.”

Jack stopped. “Okay. Stand up.”

Ianto stood, now shaking. His hands immediately went to cover himself again.

“Take off your pants and go and fetch the hairbrush.”

Ianto glanced at him. “Jack, please.”

“Ianto,” Jack said, in his most firm voice. “Do as you’re told.”

Ianto tensed his shoulders several times, then let out a whimper and went off to get the hairbrush.

“Pants off!” Jack reminded him.

Ianto huffed but didn’t argue.

A few moments later, he came back, clutching the hairbrush in front of his crotch. Obediently, he’d left his pants behind in the bedroom and was now naked from the waist down.

Jack reached out and took the hairbrush from Ianto. “Over my knee.”

Ianto bit his lip. “Do I have to?”

“You’re getting spanked, yes.”

“No, I mean…I don’t want to go over your knee.”

Jack frowned. “Why? You always say that’s your favourite position, that it makes you feel safe.”

Ianto shrugged. “I dunno. I just…don’t want to.”

“Ianto, you need to explain this to me.”

Ianto frowned, tensing then shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Ianto…”

Ianto shook his head and put himself over Jack’s knee again. “Just get it over with.”

Jack took a deep breath and started to spank Ianto hard with the hairbrush. Ianto started to grunt and groan as the hairbrush pushed a deep burn into his bottom.

“Let yourself let go,” Jack murmured.

Ianto’s entire bottom was deep red and he arched and flinched each time Jack brought the hairbrush down on his tender flesh.

“Come on, Ianto,” Jack said.

Suddenly, Ianto’s breath hitched and he let out a cry. Jack spanked him as hard as he could, wanting to make him cry, make him let go.

Then Ianto began to cry, choking back his tears furiously. “No,” he gasped. “No, no! Don’t make me. Please!”

“You need this, Ianto. It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to cry.”

Ianto still choked back his tears and held himself tense, refusing to let go. Jack stopped.

“Stand up,” he said gently.

Ianto, shaking and shuddering in his effort not to cry, scrambled to his feet. Jack stood too and took Ianto by the elbow.

“Corner.” He led Ianto there himself and put him in position.

He put a gentle hand on the small of Ianto’s back and stroked his skin. “It’s all right,” he whispered.

Ianto pressed his face to the wall. “No,” he murmured. “It’s not…all right. Can’t…can’t…”

“Ianto, you’re safe. You can let go.”

“Can’t.”

Jack took a deep breath. “Ianto, talk to me.”

Ianto scowled. “What do you want to know.”

“I want to know how you feel. Just talk. Now. That’s an order.”

“I…I’m lost, Jack. And I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell me how you feel when you want to cut.”

“I…it’s when I can’t let it out. I can’t get release. Everything… b…builds up and…it has to go somewhere.”

“What about being with me? Can’t you make that your release?”

Ianto shook his head. “Feels too good. Need pain….punishment.”

Jack frowned at him. “What? You don’t deserve to feel good?”

Ianto closed his eyes and shook his head. “No. I don’t. I…I shouldn’t be…feeling good…after everything.”

“Well, you know what? I decide when you need punishment and when you need pleasure. Do you agree to that?”

“I…can’t. I…need p…punishment.”

Jack stood back, trying to keep his breathing slow and steady. “Stand back from the wall. Take your top off.” he ordered.

Ianto did as he was told and Jack used a firm but gentle hand on his back and pushed him so that he was bent at the waist.

“Touch your toes.”

Ianto stretched down and touched his toes. He was now completely naked and exposed to Jack.

“You’re not going to hide from me anymore, Ianto. You need to trust me. You need to get that faith back that you used to have in me.”

Ianto whimpered. Jack gripped the hairbrush firmly in one hand and kept his other on Ianto’s back.

“This is punishment, Ianto. This is for closing yourself off to me. And later, you’ll get pleasure as your reward. And you deserve both.” And with that, Jack swung the hairbrush hard into Ianto’s tender backside.

Ianto cried out but Jack could feel how much he was still holding back. Over and over again, Jack swung the hairbrush into Ianto’s bottom, spanking him hard. But this was about more than pain.

“It’s…okay to…let go, Ianto,” Jack said as he spanked. “I’ll always…be here to…hold you, to stop you…getting lost. You….can…trust me. You…have to trust me.” The sound of the hairbrush spanking Ianto rang through the air and mingled with Jack’s firm voice. But Jack felt his voice beginning to break as he spoke. “I can…give you…everything, Ianto. Pain and pleasure. Punishment and reward. Please, just let me give you everything.”

And then, Ianto broke. Jack could see it happening. He saw all the tension evaporate from Ianto’s body and he was crying, sobbing his heart out and completely uninhibited. Jack laid one final brutally hard spank on Ianto’s bottom, then threw the hairbrush aside and gathered Ianto up in his arms.

Ianto, naked, open and vulnerable, pressed his face against Jack’s chest and sobbed, his entire body shaking and shuddering. And Jack just held him and whispered soft nonsense words. Ianto knew, they both knew, that it was going to be all right.

They found their way into the bedroom. All Jack wanted was to give Ianto the pleasure he knew his darling boy needed. Ianto sobbed openly as he was pressed to the bed.

“It’s all right,” Jack whispered, lying down next to Ianto, now naked too. “It’s all right, my darling boy, I’ve got you.”

“Jack, J…Jack, I’m s…sorry.”

“I know. It’s all right. Everything’s all right now.”

Jack pressed kisses to Ianto’s lips. Ianto closed his eyes and Jack kissed him all over. Ianto whimpered and gasped through his tears as Jack kissed him.

Jack wanted to give his boy all the pleasure in the world. Jack skimmed his hands down Ianto’s sides, in a soft and gentle caress. When he reached his hot bottom, Ianto whimpered and Jack stopped.

“Turn over,” Jack whispered. “On your front.”

Ianto did as he was told. The sob had subsided now and Ianto pressed his face into the pillow and let his tears soak it.

“That’s it,” Jack whispered. “I’m going to look after you.”

Jack reached for the soothing cream from out of Ianto’s drawer. Ianto’s bottom was red and glowing. There were one or two bruises right around his sit spot and Jack knew he would feel this for a few days.

He unscrewed the cap and warmed the cream in his hands. Just as he was about to spread it onto Ianto’s buttocks, Ianto began to talk.

“I wanted to hide,” Ianto whispered.

Jack didn’t speak, just quietly let Ianto talk and rubbed the cream into his tender skin.

“It just hurt so much. I wanted to push everything away. Hide from it. But then…I feel better and…with you I feel better but that’s bad. I shouldn’t be feeling good. They can’t feel good anymore.”

Jack wanted to say so much, to reassure Ianto but he kept his mouth shut. Ianto needed to talk.

“I had to…hurt. I had to. It was the only way. It’s like I couldn’t control it. It controlled me.”           

Ianto turned his head side on and let out a long breath. “I just felt so lost.”

Jack had finished rubbing the cream into Ianto’s tender bottom and he lay down beside him and slung an arm around Ianto’s waist. He didn’t say anything, just held him in a gentle but firm embrace. Ianto’s head was turned away from Jack and for ages, they just lay there and listened to each other’s breathing. Jack felt comfortable in the silence and he felt as though Ianto was settled and calm too, though there was still the hitch of a sob in his breathing.

Jack began to think that Ianto had fallen asleep. It had been so long since either of them had talked.

But suddenly, Ianto moved, turning over and pressing himself into Jack’s arms. He looked up at Jack and, though his eyes were still wet with tears, they seemed far brighter than they had before.

“Make love to me, Jack,” Ianto whispered. “I want you to help me feel good.”

Jack didn’t speak. He leaned forward and met Ianto’s lips in a soft kiss. Ianto closed his eyes, whimpering softly and just let the pleasure wash over him.

Jack kissed Ianto softly, kissed his warm skin and listened to the soft murmurs of pleasure Ianto let out. Ianto just lay back, his arms above his head and let the sensations take over him.

“Jack,” he breathed as Jack kissed his way down his body and towards his cock. “Please.”

“Hush,” Jack murmured. “I’m in control, remember?”

“Uh huh.”

Jack smiled and pressed kisses to the base of Ianto’s cock, feeling the warmth of it and the way it hardened in response to his touch.

Ianto gasped softly, moving his hips up and down as Jack lavished attention on him with his tongue.

Ianto arched as Jack moved up his body again and moved slowly against him. “Do you want me inside you?” he whispered.

Ianto kept his eyes closed and nodded frantically. “Yes, please, Jack. Need you.”

Jack smiled. Ianto was accepting the pleasure he deserved. Jack grabbed blindly for the lube, not looking away from Ianto’s face.

Ianto was moaning softly, holding onto Jack with tight fingers. Jack returned to him and sat back to prepare him. Ianto flushed as Jack spread those long slim legs and gazed down at him.

Ianto’s eyes fluttered closed and a soft breath escaped his body as Jack slipped his lubed fingers inside him. Jack knew Ianto’s body so well, he didn’t have to look. He just gazed down at Ianto’s face and slowly prepared him.

Within a minute, Ianto was ready and Jack slid inside him, slowly all the way inside. Ianto let out a soft whimper and held onto Jack.

“Thank you, Jack,” he murmured and Jack began to move, slowly back and forth.

His eyes stayed closed and he sighed and gasped with pleasure as Jack made love to him.

“That’s it,” Jack whispered. “You deserve this. You’re not lost anymore. I’ve got you. I’ll decide.”

“Jack, want to…”

Jack smiled and took a gentle hold of Ianto’s cock, pumping gently and caressing the head with his thumb.

“Go on,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”

Ianto found Jack’s free hand and held it, gripping tight. He arched and came, letting out a long relieved sigh.

Jack hadn’t come but it didn’t matter. What mattered was Ianto. Jack was ready to just wrap Ianto in his arms and hold him but Ianto pushed back into him.

“Want to feel you come, Jack,” he whispered. “You…deserve pleasure too.”

“Look at me,” Jack whispered. Ianto opened his eyes and looked at Jack.

Ianto’s blue eyes were wet but there was happiness in them. Jack grinned at him, still moving in and out of him.

“My boy,” he whispered. “My beautiful, darling boy.”

“Come, Jack,” Ianto whispered. “Please, my Jack.”

Jack came, letting out a grunt and filling Ianto up with himself. Then they collapsed together and Ianto snuggled into Jack as far as he could. Jack held him close, caressing his skin and kissing him gently.

“Thank you, Jack,” Ianto whispered. “Thank you for finding me.”