Fic- Hurt

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: Hurt

Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Adult – angst, self-harm, suicidal thoughts

Spoilers: Exit Wounds
Summary: Ianto listens to a song and hurts.

 Disclaimers: I own nothing!

Notes: Uses the song Hurt – the Johnny Cash version. Comments please!

 

 

 

 

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel.

           

Ianto had the song on repeat. Over and over, the mournful words filled the room and drifted over him. They spoke to him far too easily.

 

I focus on the pain

The only thing that’s real.

 

            There were different kinds of pain. Ianto knew them all. He knew the pain of love. He knew the pain of loss. He knew the ever-ending pain of grief which took over his insides. And he knew the all too brief pain which he pressed into his own arm.

 

The needle tears a hole

That old familiar sting

 

            He turned the silver penknife over and over in his hand. It was so familiar now, after all these years. He knew the comfort it could bring, if only for a short while.

 

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything.

 

            The pain from the last mark was fading already and, as it fled, all the pain he didn’t want came creeping back.  

 

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

 

            Ianto knew he was nothing now. Nothing but pain invading every inch of him. He unfolded the knife and stroked his finger along the cool blade. It was the only thing he had in the world now. Just the cool metal and the pain it brought.

 

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end.

 

            He’d lost too much. He didn’t want to lose anybody anymore. He didn’t want the grief anymore. He didn’t want the pain.

 

And you could have it all.

My empire of dirt.

 

            He had nothing to give anymore. Nothing to give anyone. Nothing to give Jack. He was nothing.

 

I will let you down.

I will make you hurt.

           

            He’d hurt Jack too many times now. Every time he pressed that knife to his delicate skin, he hurt Jack too. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. He shouldn’t hurt Jack like that.

 

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar’s chair

 

            Ianto was supposed to be a hero. He was supposed to save the world. It was his job. But he was a fraud. He hadn’t done enough. People had died because of him. He had blood on his hands.

           

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair.

 

            He watched the blood drip down his hand, filling the palm of his hand before dripping onto the cream carpet. He didn’t care that it would stain. He was broken. Why shouldn’t everything else be?

 

Beneath the stairs of time

The feelings disappear

 

            They had bled. Tosh and Owen. Lisa. Their blood had been spilt. He scraped the blade across his skin again. He needed to bleed. He needed to feel the pain. He deserved it.

 

You are someone else

I am still right here.

 

            Jack had changed. Jack was different. He was coping. Ianto wanted to cope, wanted to be someone else. But he was the same. He could never change. He could never get out of this mess. He ought to end it all.   

 

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

 

            Jack quietly let himself into Ianto’s flat. The song hit him as he shut the door behind him. The dark words made his chest ache for Ianto. He wanted to make everything better.

 

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end.

 

            Jack had Ianto and he was going to hold onto him as long as possible. But what if Ianto didn’t want to hold onto life. Jack couldn’t make him.

 

And you could have it all.

My empire of dirt

 

            Jack slipped quietly into the living room. Ianto was lying on the couch, letting the dark music wash over him. He was undressed, save for a pair of boxer shorts. There was blood on his chest and on his arm, streaked across his skin. He gripped a silver pen knife in his bloody hand.

 

I will let you down

I will make you hurt.

 

            Ianto glanced up at Jack and suddenly started to cry. Immediately, Jack was there, lying on the couch beside Ianto and gathering him up in his arms. The knife dropped from Ianto’s hand.

 

If I could start again

A million miles away

           

            “I’m sorry,” Ianto gasped through his tears. “Don’t wanna…can’t stop.”

            “Hush,” Jack murmured. “It’s all right. I’ve got you.”

            Ianto closed his eyes against Jack’s strong chest. He wanted to stop. But he couldn’t. It was too late. He was always going to hurt.

 

I would keep myself

I would find a way.

 

            Jack held Ianto close, as close as he could. “It’s all right. I’m here. I’m right here. You don’t have to hurt anymore.” The song fizzled out and they were left in silence, together. Even if they couldn’t stop the hurt, they would be together through it.