Fic- Somebody Loves You

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: Somebody Loves You
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Ianto/Lisa, Ianto/Original male character
Rating: Adult – sex, dark themes, depictions of mental illness, character death.

Spoiler: References to Fragments.
Summary: Sequel to Going Home, more of Ianto’s life.

Disclaimers: I own nothing except the original characters
Notes: I live for comments! Oh and cnych is welsh for F*ck. And Cariad means beloved.

 

 

They’d kept Ianto in the hospital for almost two months. First on the general ward, then in their special psychiatric department. Ianto had spent that whole time terrified he was going to be sent to Providence Park.

He thought about his mam a lot, wondering whether this was how she’d felt when she’d ‘gone off’, as Ianto always called it in his own head.

Tam visited every day and sat and held his hand. Ianto could see the worry in his soft brown eyes. Sometimes, Ianto felt Tam begin to edge into Ianto’s mind but he always withdrew before Ianto could get mad.

Finally, Ianto was let out, having no choice but to return to the children’s home. But at least he wouldn’t have to worry about being fostered again. No one would want him now.

He went to see his mam a few days after getting out. He felt guilty for it being so long since he’d seen her. She’d probably been told about his incident and she’d be angry.

He hated his mother’s anger. When he’d been living at home with his mam and da, her anger had become screaming, screeching and throwing things. Usually, it had been directed at his Da but he vividly remembered the times, right near the end, when she’d gone for Ianto. He remembered her face, screwed up and savage, her fingers reaching out for his neck, or her fist shooting towards him. He also remembered his Da, reaching out for him, grabbing him in his arms and taking her blows himself.

But he had no Da anymore to take her anger for him. He would have to take whatever she gave him. He could do that. He knew he could. Because, he knew, beneath it all, that she loved him. Wearing his leather jacket and his best jeans, he went to see his mam.

The staff at the hospital knew Ianto by name as he’d come here almost every week since he was seven. His Da used to bring him every Saturday, before their weekly trips to the Electro. He went up to her room.

“Helo, Mam,” he said as he went into her room. He spoke exclusively in Welsh with his mam. He didn’t recall her ever speaking English.

“Sut mae? I’m Sorry I haven’t been around for a little while. I had to go to hospital. Did they tell you?”

She was sitting still in her rocking chair, wearing a pretty blue evening dress, although it was mid-morning. He came all the way into the room and knelt beside her chair.

“Mam?” He knew he was putting himself in a vulnerable position but he didn’t really care. “Mam, can you hear me? I’ve just been away for a while.”

Slowly, she turned her head towards him and her blue eyes were icy. “Pwy dych chi?”

He frowned. “Mam?” He couldn’t have heard that right.

“Pwy dych chi? Who are you?” she demanded, in harsh Welsh.

“Mam, it’s me. It’s Ianto.”

“My son was called Ianto. After my Taid Ifan.”

“Mam, that’s me.” He put his hand on her arm. “I’m your son.”

“No. He dies. His da died years ago and my son died two months ago. He killed himself because he was a sad little boy. I went to the funeral.”

“No, you didn’t, Mam. I’m not dead, Mam. I’m here.”

“He’s dead and I’m all alone in this house now. I just sit here and remember them. Just me now. All alone.”

Ianto sat back on his heels and tried not to cry. His own mam didn’t know him.

His mam patted his arm. “There, there, dear. Are you alone too?”

Ianto looked up at her and nodded, tears shining in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m alone.”

“Well, you can come and visit me from time to time and we’ll keep each other company. We can have cake.”

“Oh, mam,” he sobbed, throwing himself in her warm arms and pressing his face into her lap. She stroke the back of his head with soft hands. “There, there, little boy. There, there.”

When Ianto got back to his room, Tam was waiting for him, sitting on his floor, leaning against the bed.

“Hey, how’d it go? Was she mad?” Tam asked.

Ianto shrugged, shutting the door behind him. He slung off his leather jacket and hung it on the back of his door. Suddenly, he felt anger bubbling up inside him. It wasn’t fair. He never got to keep anyone he loved.

“I fucking hate this fucking place!” he yelled into the door. He heard Tam scrambled to his feet behind him.

“What happened? Hmm, Cariad? Come on, tell me what happened.” He put a gentle hand on Ianto’s arm.

Ianto pressed his face into the cool white door, the leather of the jacket brushing his cheek. “Why didn’t those fucking pills work? Why didn’t that man fucking leave me there? Under the stars. That’s where I wanted to die.”

“Stop it!” barked Tam. “I hate it when you talk like that!”

“Why?” demanded Ianto, turning to face Tam. He folded his arms across his chest and pushed his back into the door. “Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I just go and kill myself right fucking now?”

Tam banged his fists on the door either side of Ianto’s head, trembling with fury. “Because I don’t want to lose you, you fucking fool!”

Ianto stared at him for a moment, then jerked forwards and claimed his mouth in a bruising kiss.

Later, Ianto lay in his bed in Tam’s arms in the darkened room and they talked in whispered Welsh.

“She just kept saying her son had died, that it was just her now.”

“I’m sorry, Cariad. I know it hurts.”

“I’ve lost everything, Tam,” he murmured, pressing his face into Tam’s grubby red t-shirt. Tam held him tighter.

“I’ll look after you. I promise. I’ll never leave you alone.”

 

                                    * * *

Tam turned sixteen a month before Ianto, in the middle of July. He lied to the social workers and said he had a job and a place to live line up. Tam didn’t get a lot of money from his parents. Most of what they’d owned had been sold to pay their debtors. All he got was five hundred quid and a letter from them.

He told the social workers he was moving to Swansea where his job was but instead he stayed right there in Cardiff waiting for Ianto to be free.

Ianto spent most of that long agonising month gazing out of the window, wondering exactly what Tam was doing to survive and wishing he didn’t already know.

Finally, the day arrived. Ianto got details of a bank account set up for him with thirty grand in it and he said he was going to stay with Tam in Swansea. And then, finally, he was free. The moment he walked out of the children’s home, with all his worldly possessions on his back, he heard Tam’s voice in his head, broadcasting telepathically the way only Tam could.

Station Entrance. Don’t dawdle.

As quick as he could, Ianto hurried towards the station. He was desperate to see Tam again. It had been so long without the comforting warmth of another person. He’d missed Tam’s humour and kindness and his overprotective nature and he’d missed the press of their bodies in bed together.

When Ianto saw Tam at the station, he wanted to run at him and throw his arms around him but Tam shook his head so Ianto contained himself.

Tam grabbed his arm and pulled him inside the station. Neither of them said a word. Ianto just followed Tam in, onto a platform and onto a train.

Only when they were safely seated on the train, did Tam relax.

“Where are we going?” Ianto asked.

Tam grinned, sitting back in his seat. “London! I’ve got it sorted. I got us a flat and I’ve got an interview for a proper job on Saturday. Just stacking shelves in a shop but it’ll do.”

“How did you get the money, Tam? For the flat, for the tickets?”

Tam’s brown eyes flickered and he looked away, ducking his head. “I did what I had to do.”

“Tam…” Ianto began, gently. He reached out for Tam.

Tam brushed his hand away. “Don’t, okay? I mean, it’s done now, isn’t it? I didn’t like doing it but it was necessary and now it’s over so nothing more to say.”

Ianto wanted to hug Tam but Tam didn’t look like he wanted to be touched. They sat in silence opposite each other as the train chugged along.

“I’ve got money, Tam,” Ianto said, eventually. “Thirty grand!”

Tam looked up and smiled. “Good. But you’re going to keep that and save it. We’ll want to buy a house together someday.”

London was bigger than Ianto could have ever imagined and straight away, he loved it. He’d always been a city boy.

They got settled in the flat and Tam got the job at a supermarket. As the months went on, he became more and more skilled in so many areas in the store and by the time they were nineteen, he was a junior supervisor.

Ianto, meanwhile, struggled. He was clever and, although he’d hardly been at school, he’d got ten GCSE’s, mostly Cs and Bs. So he had few problems getting jobs but they were usually temporary and after a month or two, he’d get restless and move on. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Sometimes he’d lie in Tam’s arms and try to work it out. Would he go mad one day like his mam and want to hurt the people close to him. Or would he turn it all in on himself, like he did already when he wouldn’t eat.

Sometimes in these moments, he felt Tam’s thoughts edging into his, comforting and reassuring and finally allowing him to sleep.

Nowadays, Ianto and Tam were more like friends than boyfriends. They always slept in the same bed but nothing sexual ever really happened. Tam never seemed to really want to anymore and Ianto always had other things on his mind.

Occasionally, Ianto went back to Cardiff to visit his mam. She never recognised him. Sometimes she was nice, gently patting his head and completely unconcerned. Other times she was furious, screaming and swearing and lashing out at him until the attendants stopped her.

Ianto pretended it didn’t bother him. He was good at pretending but he knew it was affecting him. He knew he wasn’t right inside.

It was the end of July and he was a few weeks away from his twentieth birthday. He walked out of his job, just packed it all in. it was too much. Why the fuck did he need to work anyway?

He slammed the door behind him as got home, yanking off his jacket and tie. Stupid suit. Stupid work. Stupid people judging him. He didn’t need the job. He didn’t need anything.

His stomach throbbed with hunger. He hadn’t eaten in a while, just drank water. He hadn’t told Tam. He didn’t need Tam. He could handle it all by himself.

Ianto flung himself on the couch, putting his legs up on the table and sinking low in the seat. He didn’t need anything or anyone.

“Hey!” said Tam, coming in from the bedroom. “Good day at work?”

“Best day ever,” said Ianto, honestly. Walking out on a job: best day ever.”

Tam glanced at him, frowning, but didn’t press the matter.

“What about you?” Ianto asked before Tam decided to say anything more. “Well, actually, I’ve got some good news.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a new job.”

“Really? But you love it at the store.”

“Yeah, I do but this new job is so fucking amazing, Ianto! Really! And they asked me to join them. I had no fucking idea they even existed and they just found me. It’s the telepathy thing. Something they want apparently.”

“Who? Who’s they?”

“This organisation. Torchwood, or something.”

“What’s that? Some government thing?”

“Sort of. Only bigger, I think. Anyway they deal with, get this, aliens! Fucking aliens, Ianto! How cool is that!”

Ianto smiled. “That’s very cool, Tam.”

He shifted closer to Tam and laid his head on his shoulder. He felt tired and weak. Tam slipped an arm around him. “You all right?”

Ianto nodded against him. “Hmm,” he murmured. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Ianto, what’s up?”

“Tam,” Ianto whispered, flexing his hand in Tam’s warm t-shirt. He could feel the skin beneath it, the softly rippled muscles of his stomach.

“Ianto? Cariad, come on. What’s wrong?”

“Mmm, tired. Nothing inside.”

“Okay, now you’re scaring me. Have you taken something?”

“No. Nothing inside.”

“Fuck. You’re doing that fucking no eating thing again, aren’t you? Why the fuck do you do that to me, Ianto?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ianto mumbled. He couldn’t focus. Nothing seemed real. He was dizzy.

“I walked out…my job…nothing there.”

“Oh, Ianto.”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he murmured. There was such pain inside him. He just wanted it gone. He wanted different pain. The pain of hunger wasn’t enough. He wasn’t hurting enough.

Tam was gathering him up in his arms. “Come on, Ianto. Stay awake for me, baby.”

“No. Don’t want to. Want to go to sleep.”

Tam was suddenly gone from Ianto’s arms and Ianto missed him. “Tam! Tam! Want to go to sleep with you.”

“No, Ianto. Stay awake.”

He pressed something warm, soft and familiar into Ianto’s arms. Ianto clung to it. It comforted him. He rubbed his face into the leather of the old jacket, breathing in its scent.

“Just hold onto that. I’ll be back. It’ll be okay, Cariad. I promise.”

Ianto didn’t want it to be all right. He wanted to make the pain go away. He clung onto the leather jacket. It would save him. It would anchor him.

Tam was back. “Ianto open your eyes.”

“Tam, don’t.”

“Open your fucking eyes, Ianto. You haven’t eaten in fucking days and days, I know you haven’t. I don’t want you to die. Drink this.” He pressed a glass to Ianto’s lips and Ianto felt the thick liquid of a protein drink edging at his lips. He didn’t want to drink it. He didn’t want to soothe the pain.

But Tam held his head and eased the drink into his mouth. Ianto didn’t want to swallow but Tam was pouring more of the drink into his mouth and, finally, Ianto let the liquid flow down his throat and into his body.

Tam made him drink it all and then he sat with him, holding him close. “So, you walked out?” Tam asked eventually.

Ianto looked up at him. The world seemed so much less fuzzy now and Tam was in sharp focus. “It doesn’t work,” Ianto said. “Nothing works. Nothing feels right.” He knew he wasn’t quite making sense but somehow he knew Tam would understand. Tam always understood him.

Tam held him tight. “You’re not right, are you?” he said softly. “Maybe we should get you some counselling or something.”

Ianto sat up. “No, no. Tam, please. They’d just take me away.”

“Ianto…”

Ianto glared at him. “If you make me, I won’t talk to them. I won’t say a thing.”

“All right, all right. Just calm down.” He pulled away. “Right, I’m going to make you something proper to eat and you’re going to eat it. Got it?”

Ianto scowled but didn’t argue.

 

                                     *  * *

Ianto was fed up. Since his latest walk out, he hadn’t been able to find another job at all, mainly due to the fact that he didn’t have any good references. Tam was doing well at his new job though. He was paid well and clearly loved his work.

But the unhappiness was still there, still hovering under the surface. It had always been there, for as long as he could remember.

Ianto lay on the sofa, gazing at the ceiling. It was five o’clock in the evening and Ianto had got dressed half an hour again in torn jeans and an old t-shirt. He hadn’t eaten or done anything else that day. He’d just lain on the sofa, pretending to look for jobs. The newspaper lay unopened on his belly.

Tam shut the door firmly behind him as he got home. “Ianto?” he called. He entered the living room and sighed as he saw Ianto.

“Any luck in finding a new job?” he asked.

Ianto shrugged. “Haven’t really looked.”

Tam sighed again. “Ianto, you have to get out there and do something.”

“Fuck off, Tam.”

There was a long silence. Ianto scrambled to his feet, letting the newspaper fall to the floor. Tam was staring at him, his fist clenched by his side. He was trembling.

Ianto came round to the other side of the sofa. “Tam, I’m sorry…I didn’t…”

Tam clenched his teeth and took a deep breath. “You know,” he said, forcing his voice to keep calm. “Sometimes I don’t know why I stay around to take this shit.”

Ianto felt rage bursting up inside him. “Then why the fuck do you stay, huh?” He screamed, getting up in Tam’s face. “Why don’t you just fuck off and let me just fucking end it all?”

“Because I fucking love you, you idiot!” The moment the words left Tam’s mouth, he froze, then pulled away from Ianto.

“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Tam…” Ianto whispered.

Tam turned and looked back at him. “Look, you don’t have to say anything.”

“Tam, I…I really care about you and…”

“Ianto, hush. I know.” He tapped his head. “Powerful mind, remember? I know exactly how you feel and you don’t love me.”

“Tam…”

Tam smiled, brushing his shaggy blond hair out of his dark eyes, then reaching out and stroking Ianto’s cheek. “Hush, I know. You’re not ready to love anybody. It scares you. I understand that. I know you care about me. I know…I’m important to you and maybe, one day, you’ll be able to love me.”

“Tam, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Tam cupped Ianto’s face gently. “I know. It’s okay. At least…at least now you know…that you’re not alone and that…somebody loves you.”

“Tam,” Ianto whispered, stepping closer.

“I will always love you, Ianto Jones,” Tam whispered and then he was kissing Ianto and the world was all love and comfort and soft touches.

 

                                    * * *

 

Tam found Ianto a job in Torchwood, as a junior researcher. The slow, consistent work appealed to Ianto. Finding things out and filing them away gave him a sense of control. He had his own little world and everything was fine.

Things back at the flat were better too. They spent their nights talking and laughing together and things were easier.

It was late. They’d both been working late and arrived back home together. Ianto was happy. He watched Tam go over to the fridge for a swig from his bottle of water. Ianto grinned.

He slipped his shoes off and tiptoed over to Tam, who had his back to him. He stepped closer and closer until he was just within reach. Tam put the water bottle down on the counter and Ianto jumped onto his back, attacking him with kisses.

Tam burst into giggles, doing his best to combat Ianto’s kiss attack. Ianto’s legs went tight around him. He could feel Tam’s stomach moving hard beneath his feet.

“I’ve got you!” crowed Ianto.

Tam laughed out loud. “Oh, you little brat!” he said and suddenly flipped them, catching Ianto in his arms and pressing him to the wall.

The atmosphere had changed suddenly, from laughter to something else. Tam was breathing hard into him and his eyes were hazy with arousal.

“Ianto,” he breathed. “I want…I want you.”

Ianto pushed his hand between them and slowly undid Tam’s jeans. Tam was hard. So was Ianto. It had been so long since they’d done anything like this.

“Tam…” Ianto gasped. “I want you.”

Tam smiled, then gasped as Ianto eased his cock out of his jeans and wrapped his hand around it.

“Cnych, Ianto,” Tam murmured.

Ianto grinned and started moving his hand up and down Tam’s cock. Tam deserved this. He deserved every pleasure Ianto could give him.

Ianto pulled away and Tam whimpered in disappointment. “Ianto, don’t…don’t go.”

Ianto smiled. “Hush,” he said and sank down on his knees. He’d done this before with Tam and he knew exactly how to make Tam screen his name.

He peeled Tam’s jeans away from his cock. “Relax. I’m in control here!” Ianto said with a gleam in his eyes. Tam grinned and tangled his hands in Ianto’s hair.

Ianto leaned forward and took just the head of Tam’s cock into his mouth. Tam gasped, letting his head fall back against the wall.

Ianto swirled his tongue around the head of Tam’s cock, then slowly pushed into the slit. Tam’s hands tightened and his breathing was heavy.

Ianto took Tam’s cock further into his mouth, surrounding it with wet heat. Slowly, Tam started thrusting in and out of Ianto’s mouth and Ianto took him deep, sucking hard around the swollen flesh.

He relaxed his throat and eased Tam’s cock all the way inside him. For a few moments, Tam thrust down into Ianto’s throat, completely lost and unable to breathe at the utterly wonderful pleasure Ianto was giving him.

Ianto had to pull back then but instead he sucked hard around Tam’s cock, using his tongue and his lips to give Tam as much pleasure as he could.

Tam’s hands fisted in Ianto’s hair. “Ianto,” he gasped. “I’m going to…I’m…Ianto!” he screamed and then he was coming hard and fast down Ianto’s mouth.

Ianto swallowed him all down, taking the rush of hot cum, savouring its taste and riding the shudders of Tam’s body. His insides were giddy with the joy of giving Tam pleasure.

Tam breathed hard, gasping and panting and trembling as he recovered. Then he sunk to his knees with Ianto and held him close. “Fuck, you’re fantastic, Ianto.”

Ianto grinned. “Glad you enjoyed it.”

Tam pulled back. “Your turn.”

Ianto put a hand on his chest. “Tam…bed?”

Tam nodded. “Okay.”

They fell into bed together, kissing and slowly removing each other’s clothing. Ianto loved the feeling of Tam’s bare body against his, holding him close, kissing him deeply.

Tam rolled them over so he was on top and rubbed his renewed erection against Ianto. “You…er…want to try that anal sex thing?”

Ianto flushed. “It’s…kinda scary.”

“Yeah. I guess so.” He leaned down and kissed Ianto deeply. “We’ll get to it one day.”

Ianto laughed. “One day.” He pushed up into the kiss, moaning as Tam rubbed against him.

“Want…Tam…want to feel you against me.”

Tam grinned, rubbing harder and sneaking a hand around him and caressing his buttocks. Ianto gasped into his touch.

“Oh, Tam, I’ve missed this so much.”

Tam grinned. “Me too. There’s nothing like doing this with you.”

Tam thrust against him, trapping both their cocks in hard heat. They gasped and groaned together into a deep kiss and then they were coming, crying out each other’s names and there was nothing but the hot, overwhelming, perfect sensations of being together.

 

                                                * * *

 

It was summer and Ianto was a few weeks away from turning twenty one. It was a Monday and Ianto was at work. He was compiling research on the latest sonic weapon to have been discovered and he was hungry. He’d worked through lunch because Tam was out on field work, some sort of communication work. He hadn’t been told much about it as he wasn’t authorised and frankly he didn’t really care. All he cared about was that he missed Tam.

Ianto checked his watch. It was five o’clock and he was due to go home. His work day was over and he could go if he wanted but he didn’t want to go without Tam.

Suddenly someone was yelling and the most awful sense of dread took over Ianto’s body. He reached out inside his head for Tam, the way Tam had taught him.

Tam? Did something happen?

There was no answer.

Ianto left his work and went straight to where the yelling was coming from. There were a lot of people crowded around the outside of the medical room, some whispering, some crying, some peering worriedly inside the room.

Ianto went closer, trying to peer inside. The smell of blood filled the air.

“What’s going on?” he asked no one in particular.

“Rampage is what I heard,” said a young woman Ianto didn’t know. “Travis got hurt and someone else was killed.”

“Who?” Ianto demanded. “Who was killed?”

“One of the telepathics.”

Ianto’s heart jerked in his chest and he surged forward to peer inside the room. Sitting up on a trolley was Travis, having a torn shoulder seen to. Ianto’s eyes travelled further into the room. On the far trolley, there was nothing but blood, bits of flesh and blond hair.

Ianto couldn’t breathe. He had to get in there. He had to be with Tam. If he was with Tam, everything would be okay. He fought hard against the crowd of people, pushing towards the room.

“Let me in. Let me in! I need to see him.”

A strong arm went around his shoulders, pulling him away. “Easy now,” a soft voice whispered. “This won’t help. Come and sit down.”

“I don’t…I can’t….I don’t want to.”

“I know. Come on.”

And the strong, gentle woman led him away from the crowds and to a quiet place. Ianto looked around through the sudden tears in his eyes. They were sitting under the stairs, alone and quiet. The woman was somebody he recognised but her name was too far away. Nothing mattered.

He swallowed hard, tasting blood. The woman wrapped an arm around his shoulder and held him close.

“He was your boyfriend, right?”

Ianto nodded. “Yeah. He was my boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry. At least…you can always remember he died as a hero.”

“It doesn’t help.”

“I know. You want me to take you home?”

“No. I can’t…I can’t go home right now.”

“Okay. Don’t worry. We’ll just stay here as long as you need to, Ianto.”

“Lisa. You’re name’s Lisa, isn’t it?”

“Yes. I’m Lisa. You’re Ianto and we’re going to sit here and you can let it all out.”

Ianto turned his face into her shoulder and sobbed. And Lisa just held him, warm and strong and comforting.

 

                                    * * *

 

Jack watched as Ianto unpacked his little bag into Jack’s wardrobe. “So,” said Jack, grinning at Ianto’s back. “Just essentials?”

“Things I can’t live without,” Ianto murmured.

Jack stepped closer, laughing. “You want to put me in the wardrobe too?”

Ianto grinned. “I don’t think your ego would fit, Jack.”

Jack watched as Ianto withdrew a worn leather jacket from his bag and pressed his face into it.

“You ever live with somebody before, Ianto?”

“Once,” Ianto said as he hung his jacket up in Jack’s wardrobe. “A long time ago.”

“Lisa?”

Ianto closed the wardrobe and turned to face Jack. “No. Not Lisa. My boyfriend. His name was Tam. He would have done anything for me. He loved me.”

Jack came close and wrapped his arms around Ianto, softly kissing his cheek. “You deserve that, Ianto Jones. You deserve to be loved. I wish I could…give you everything you deserve.”

Ianto held Jack close. “You give me everything I want, Jack. Everything.”