Fic- Goodbye

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: Goodbye
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Ianto/Lisa
Rating: Adult – grief, dark themes.  
Spoilers: Cyberwoman
Summary: Jack helps Ianto say goodbye.

Disclaimers: I own nothing!
Notes: This was an emotional one to write. Comments are life!

 

For the first time in my life, I’ve called in sick to work. I’ve lied to Jack, told him I’ve got flu. I don’t care what Jack thinks. I don’t care about anything. All I can do is lie here and stare at the ceiling.

 

The day wears on. My mobile’s been ringing over and over but I’m ignoring it. A text comes through, from Jack. U ok? Chkn sup? x.

 

I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to hear from him. I don’t want to speak to him.

 

I stagger out of bed and to my little kitchen. Fuck Jack. I don’t want to see him. He can’t make this better. He can’t fix me.

 

I stand in my kitchen, in nothing but my baggy white pyjama bottoms and gaze around. 

 

There is plenty of food in the fridge: milk and cheese; vegetables; mayonnaise for Jack’s sandwiches. There is food in the cupboard too: cereal and pasta and rice; baked beans; tinned spam for Jack.

 

There is coffee in a tin on the counter, bread in the bread bin and water in the filter. Everything is just the same. But I don’t want any of it. Hunger twists my knotted stomach even more but the thought of letting food down my throat, even coffee, makes me feel sick.

 

I lean against the counter, staring at the floor but not seeing it. My eyes are blurry and my insides are aching. I don’t want to think about what day it is. I don’t want to think about why I’m not at work. I don’t want to think about why I don’t want to see Jack. I just want it all to go away.

 

I sink to the floor and sit there, knees pressed to my chest. I don’t want to think anymore. I just want it all to go away. I want everything to end.

 

I bury my face in my arms. It’s too much. I can’t live like this any more. I have to end it all.

 

“Ianto!”

 

Shit. I know that voice. I don’t want to see him. He’ll stop me. I don’t want him to stop me. I want to do it. I want the pills.

 

“Ianto, here you are. Are you all right? You turned your phone off.” Jack kneels down beside me and tries to tug me into his arms. “You feeling any better?”

 

I resist him. I don’t want to be in his arms. He pulls back.

 

“Ianto? What’s going on?” His voice is tender and then his hand is gentle on my arm. “Ianto?”

 

I glance up at him and his face is worried. “Ianto?”

 

“Leave me alone, Jack.”

 

“I can’t leave you like this.” He stands. “Have you eaten? I’ll make you some soup.”

 

“I don’t want anything.”

 

“Ianto…”

 

“I don’t fucking want anything!” I yell.

 

He takes a breath. I’ve shocked him, I know. Scared him. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No, I do know. But I don’t want to think about it. I’m not thinking about it.

 

He crouches beside me and his hand is in my hair. “You’re not ill,” he says. “So what’s the matter?”

 

I push hard against him. I don’t want him. I don’t want him near me. I don’t want him touching me. I push him so hard he tumbles so the floor, landing right on his backside. I bury my face in my arms again. I don’t want to look at him.

 

I can feel him watching me. He shifts slightly but stays silent and just watches for a long time.

 

Suddenly, he’s moving again, fiddling with his wrist strap. “Shit, fuck,” he mutters. “Ianto, shit, I’m sorry. You know how shit I am at dates, you should have told me.”

 

He knows. I can’t speak. I don’t want him to know. I don’t want him to think about that time. I want him to go away and leave me to the depths of darkness. I want him to leave me to death, leave me to take those pills in peace.

 

He grabs my arm. “Come on.” He yanks on my arm, trying to haul me to me feet. I pull against him, pull back as hard as I can. I don’t want him.

 

But he is too strong. He tugs me to my feet and into his arms. I push against him. I don’t want him.

 

“No. Fuck you, Jack. I don’t want you!” I’m yelling but I don’t care. “I don’t want you.” Tears are flowing now and I can’t stop them. His hands are firm, pulling me into him, cradling me close to his chest. “I don’t want you,” I sob in his strong chest. “I want her.”

 

He wraps his arms around me and then he is holding me. Still, I try to resist but he is too strong for me. He takes over me, takes me completely. But I don’t want him. I want her. My Lisa.

 

“I want her.”

 

“I know,” he whispers. He’s holding me so tight, so firm against him. He understands. He knows me. He is holding me.

 

The world around us falls away and all that exists is him holding me. His strong hands rub my bare arms and he has me. His mouth presses to my forehead, his nose is in my hair.

 

But I know what day it is. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to save her, to bring her back. I carried her metal body through the fire and the destruction. I took her anger. I took her hate. I gave her love. I gave her everything.

 

She was my world. And she was taken. The world ended with her. Why am I still here? He should have shot me that night. He should have ended it all for me. But he didn’t. He let his emotions get the better of him. I know he cares for me, always did. He hated me once. But not enough. He should have shot me. He should have been the one to take away the pain, take everything away.

 

I want to die in his arms. I want to take the pills and go to sleep, wrapped up safe in his arms. He has given me so many little threads of happiness. I want him to wrap me in those threads and let me slip away into death, into peace.

 

“Jack,” I whisper. With that one word, I am asking him to let me die, let me go.

 

He rubs my back. “Hush, Ianto. It’s all right.” He kisses my wet face and I close my eyes in the face of his strength. He is too much for me.

 

He finds my hand and then he is tugging me somewhere. I don’t want to go but I don’t have the strength to resist him.

 

He takes me to my bedroom, stands me in front of my wardrobe. “Get dressed.” His voice is tender but commanding. I can’t. Usually, all I can do is obey him, let his orders overtake me but now I can’t even do that. I am too weak.

 

He doesn’t give the order again, but instead starts to do it himself. I stand there and let him take care of me. He dresses me, in jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Whatever he’s doing, it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to let it go. Soon, he’ll let me die. He will.

 

“Come on. We’re going out.”

 

“No,” I whimper. “No. I don’t want to go out. Please, Jack. Let me go to sleep. Let me take them. Let me go to sleep for always.”

 

“Ianto. Ianto, look at me.” His voice is harsh and my eyes snap automatically to his. He looks straight at me. “You’re going to be okay. I promise.”

 

I can’t believe him. But he’s taking me away, taking me from the pills in my drawer. “Please, Jack,” I beg but he doesn’t listen.

 

He take me outside, eases me into the car and buckles the belt. “Jack?”

 

“I’m taking you somewhere. Trust me. It’ll be okay.”

 

I can’t. I’ve always trusted him but now I can’t. It hurts too much.

 

I stare out of the window as he stars the car and begins to drive. The sky is orange. I’ve spent all day in bed. I can’t believe it. The hours just slipped away, into the darkness along with my life.

 

I close my eyes and let him take me wherever he’s taking me. I don’t know how long it is before he stops and takes me out of the car.

 

He walks me somewhere. I keep my eyes closed and lean against him. I don’t want to be here. I want to be at home.

 

He stops and I stop with him.

 

“Open your eyes.”

 

I open my eyes and look ahead. We’ve left the city and we’re standing on a short cliff, looking out over the sea. It is dark and the stars are shining over the dark sea.

 

“Jack?”

 

“Say goodbye to her.”

 

“Jack, I don’t…”

 

“She was ripped from you, Ianto. You never got the chance to say goodbye properly. That’s my fault. I was so angry, Ianto. I never gave you the chance to say goodbye.”

 

“Jack,” I whisper, holding onto him. His arm loops around me and holds me close.

 

“Talk to her. Go on. Say goodbye.”

 

“Lisa,” I whisper. I can see her face before me, her smile.

 

His arms are strong around me but she is in front of me. I can see her.

 

“Lisa, I love you.”

 

I can hear him breathing behind me.

 

“Lisa, I’ll always love you. I promise. I’ll never forget you.” I take a breath.

 

“I was going to propose. I was waiting, for our anniversary. Do you remember? We were a month away from it. I was going to take you to dinner, buy champagne, get down on one knee, everything. Just like you wanted. You always pretended to not like the romantic stuff. But I knew. I remember how your eyes would sparkle when I did things like that.”

 

I smile and lean back into Jack. “I could see in your eyes how much you loved me. Even when we argued. Even when you got angry with me for doing something stupid. I always knew how much you loved me.”

 

Jack’s hand is gentle on my arm and I find I have the courage to say what I need to. “Lisa, I’m sorry. I let you down. Right at the end. I let you down.”

 

His hand tightened on my arm and I know he is hurting. He thinks he knows what I am going to say.

 

“I let you down. I should have saved you. They took you. They took who you were. They changed you.” I hesitate. It’s the truth. I need to say it.

 

“You weren’t yourself any more, when you died. I should have let you die when you were still yourself. I should have helped you die.”

 

Tears are falling down my cheeks. I can see her smile and I know she forgives me. She knows I did it for her, because I loved her so much.

 

“Goodbye, Lisa. I love you. My Lisa.”

 

Jack’s arms wrap around me and then I am crying into him, holding me tight. He has me now. She’ll always be inside me but now he is too. Now, I have him.

 

Darkness falls around us and still he holds me, letting me cry into his strong chest. He doesn’t say anything, just holds me tight and secure and so real.

 

He’s not the hearts and flowers type. He’s not the type to declare his love from the rooftops. But I know he’ll hold me. He’s there when I want him and when I need him.

 

I know I’ll be in his heart and his memory forever and I’ll always have him. I won’t ever have to say goodbye to him.