Fic- The Girl

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: The Girl

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Ratings: Teen – adult references

Spoilers: Nothing major

Summary: Jack thinks he knows what Ianto wants.

Disclaimers: I own nothing!

Notes: Comments make me write more

 

 

I saw her again today. The girl. She’s young. Your age maybe. So young. She’s beautiful. Shiny black hair, a soft round face. There is a kindness in her eyes. She would look after you.

I watch you sleep and imagine her lying next to you. Would you put your arm around her, snuggle together in your sleep? Would you slide your fingers across the plane of her stomach as you sleep together, the way you do to me? And then, in years to come, you’d cup the curve of her pregnant belly, hold both her and your child together.

She’d giggle at your jokes, gaze at you in wonder. She’d let you protect her, let you look after her. She’d trust you with her feelings, the way I can’t.

You’d stroke her cheek, gaze into her eyes and tell her openly that you love her. You’d never be afraid of her hurting you. You’ll trust her.

How can I make this happen? It must happen. I must make it true for you. She’ll love you. She’ll love you without fear. She’ll give you family, safety, love, everything I can’t give you.

I reach out and stroke the hair back from your forehead. You're so beautiful and so young. But there is pain inside you. Pain caused by being here with me. I can heal it for you, release you from this pain. I can give you a new life.

I reach over you. Your eyes move behind your lids as you dream. You’re dreaming about me, I know. You often dream about me. I know how you feel about me. But it’s wrong. You shouldn’t feel like that. I’m not good for you. I can’t give you what you need. She can. She can give you love. She can give you marriage, a family. She can give you her old age. I can’t.

I nuzzle into you. Your skin is hot and smooth. You warm me from within. How will I face the darkness of my life without you?

But I can’t be selfish. I know you can only be happy out there. I know that the girl would bring you happiness.

I hold your hand. This hand has touched me, stroked me, caressed me. It has held me tightly, cupped my jaw as you kissed me. But you should be holding her hand. You should brush her hair back from her eyes, trace your fingers across her lips and love her with your strong, lean hands.

I press a soft kiss to your lips. You murmur against me in your sleep. I don’t want to let you go but I must. You deserve better.

I pull back from you, scramble for the paper and pen you always keep in the drawer. It is scrawled with fragments of your dreams, written when you’re half-asleep. You’ve been doing this for half a year. You say it helps push the bad stuff out.

I tear out a blank sheet, grip the pen in shaking hands and write my last words to you.

Someday, you will be loved.

I can’t have you. You deserve more. You deserve the girl. You deserve a real life.

I dress and step outside. I’ll give you retcon with your morning cup of coffee, then put your new life in place.

It’s cold out here. I lean against your doorframe and watch your quiet street. I can see my breath on the air. I won’t forget you. But you’ll forget me. It’s better this way. It’s better for you to go on without me and have a new life. I can’t give you what you want.

“Jack?”

Your voice startles me and I turn to see you standing in your hallway, dressed in only your pyjama pants. Your chest and your feet are still bare.

I let myself give you a small smile. “You should be in bed.”

You shrug. “I felt you leave.” There is a break in your voice. “Jack, what’s the matter?”

I turn away. “Nothing’s the matter. I’m just…thinking.”

I feel you step closer to me and I glance at you. You’re biting your lip and looking at me with anxious eyes. You hold up your hand and I can see your fist is clenched around something.

“I found this,” you say and open your hand. The note I left you opens in your palm. “What does it mean?”

I look away. “It’s for the best. It’s the best thing if I…if I give you a new life.” I turn and kiss you softly on the lips. “I won’t forget you, I promise. But you…you’ve got to forget me.”

You frown at me. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about retcon, Ianto. I can give you enough to forget me. You can have a new life, Ianto. Find a pretty girl, marry her, give her children. I saw this girl…”

“For goodness' sake, Jack, will you talk sense?”

I blink. “What?”

“You’re not in charge of my life choices, Jack. This is what I’ve chosen. This is my life, right here with you.”

I shake my head. “No, Ianto, it’s not good for you. You deserve more. Like I wrote in my note, you need somebody who’ll…”

You slide your hand into mine and grip it tight. “I’ve already got you, Jack.”  

You tug me close to you and hold onto me tight. “I don’t want anybody else. I’ve got you.”

You press your face into my neck. “And I’m not letting you run away from me.”

I let out a sigh and lean against you. The girl’s face flashes in my mind. She’s everything you should want but…you don’t want her. You want me.

I put my arms around you and hold you tight against me. “Ianto, if you ever want…”

You pull back and look firmly at me. “Never. I only want you.”

Your gaze is intense. I can’t stand it. I look away. “You shouldn’t be out here. You’re freezing.”

You laugh. “Yeah, well you’re the one who decided to have a moment of madness on my doorstep in the middle of winter.” You tug hard on my hand. “You coming back to bed?”

I let you pull me inside and back into bed. As we lie in bed together and you close your eyes, I stay awake and watch you. You slide your hand across the plan of my stomach and smile contentedly. I keep my eyes on your face. You wear your gently happy smile all night long.