Fic- No Words

[branwen_blaidd]

Title: No Words

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: End of Days

Summary: Ianto’s thoughts during those last scenes in End of Days.

Disclaimers: I own nothing.

Notes: Comments please!

Ianto can’t look. He can feel the body lying there, knows Gwen’s hand rests on it, on him. Ianto can’t stand it. He wants to scream and shout. He wants to pull her off. He wants to be alone with him.

It feels all wrong. Such silence. Such stillness. It’s not right. Jack shouldn’t be this way.

“You’re certain?”

Their voices penetrate Ianto’s fuzzy mind. It doesn’t feel real.

“He’s ice cold. No vital signs.”

No. No! The voice throbs in his head. Refusal to accept this. It can’t be real. It can’t. Jack said he couldn’t die. He’d told Ianto. Promised him. Ianto wants to look up, wants to gaze into Jack’s face but he can’t. He can’t face that white face, that still unbreathing body.

“He survived when you shot him. When I first joined he said he couldn’t die.”

Ianto swallows. He told her? Gwen? Ianto stares at the floor. He wants to scream and cry, let everything pour out of him but he knows he can’t. Instead, he pushes it all down. He can’t shout. He can’t cry. He can’t even speak.

“He was wrong,” said Owen. Ianto hears the despair in Owen’s voice and he knows they’re all grieving. They all need Jack.

“I want to sit with him.”

“Gwen…”

“I want to sit with him.”

Owen knows it is pointless to argue. He and Tosh turn and begin to walk away.

Ianto hesitates. He wants to protest.

What about me? I need him too. I’m the one he shares his bed with, the one he gazes at in the darkness, the one who comforts him after a nightmare. I’m the one he needs.

Gwen is gazing resolutely down at Jack. Ianto glances at her and feels his throat tighten. He wants to say something, wants to demand to stay too, wants to take Jack’s hand and hold it to his mouth, will him to wake. But he can’t. He can’t even speak.

He moves past Gwen, shoves his hands deep in his pockets and walks after the others, his insides spasming. She doesn’t notice. Her eyes are only on Jack.

* * *

Ianto doesn’t know what to do with himself. He wanders around Jack’s office, tidying. This is what he does when he doesn’t know what to do. It keeps his hands busy, gives him something to think about.

Litter in the bin. Files alphabetised and neat. Fill up Jack’s biscuit tin. Tuck Jack’s chair under the desk. Shuffle his papers together.

Ianto looks up, catches sight of Jack’s coat and goes over to it. He doesn’t think about it. He reaches for it out of instinct, lifts it up, smoothes his fingers across the collar.

Jack is dead. He’s lying there, still and silent, cold to the touch in their little morgue. He’s dead. His body is empty.

Ianto raises the coat to his face and breathes in the scent of Jack. It’s a scent he’s come to know intimately, come to need, come to love. How can Jack be gone?

Ianto can’t breathe anymore. He can’t think. All he can do is weep and grip Jack’s coat tightly, wishing desperately to be able to hold Jack again, just once more.

* * *

Silence. He hasn’t yet got used to the quiet, the emptiness without Jack. He doesn’t see how he can ever get used to it. It’s been days and still, it all seems to wrong. He focuses hard on his work, trying to stop his mind from wandering.

The movement of Tosh beside him attracts Ianto’s attention. The clattering of her heels on metal follows and he looks up. For a moment, he cannot take a single breath. Jack is standing there, pale and quiet but absolutely real.

Jack is hugging Tosh, smiling a little. Ianto’s legs move of their own accord. He strides right over to Jack, trembling and his heart thudded.

He loses his nerve. He wants to wrap his arms around Jack and hold him close but he feels awkward in front of the others. Does Jack want them to know?

He holds out his hand to shake Jack’s. He has to touch him, just a little.

Jack meets his eyes, smiling. His face is welcoming. He reaches for Ianto, inviting him into an embrace.

Ianto can’t hold back. He launches himself into Jack’s arms, holding onto that broad body tight. He’s alive. He’s back. Ianto isn’t alone.

Jack holds him close, rubs his back and breathes softly against him. Ianto wants to speak, wants to whisper intimate things in Jack’s ear. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t dare.

Then Jack’s hand in on his cheek, warm and soft, and Jack is kissing him, softly and sweetly. There is still silence. Jack doesn’t need to speak. Ianto can feel the reassurance in the tender but firm kiss. Jack is back He’s not leaving.

Ianto stands back as Jack hugs Owen. He doesn’t smile, doesn’t let his feelings show. But inside he is smiling. Inside, he is happy, settled. Jack is back. Jack isn’t going to leave him again. He’s back.

Ianto gazes at Jack, not looking away. He devours Jack with his eyes. Later, they will embrace, kiss, explore each other. And Ianto will thank God for Jack’s life, for Jack staying with him. But now, he doesn’t know what to say. Now, he has no words.