branwen_blaidd

Title: The Darkness

Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Adult –darkish themes
Spoilers: References to 1x4, Cyberwoman.
Summary: Ianto ponders Jack and the darkness inside them both.

Disclaimers: I own nothing!
Notes: This was a stream of thought thing that just sort of happened. Bit different and a sorta dark. Written in about 10 minutes.

Darkness surrounds me and I can’t breathe. The grief, the pain, the darkness of life; it’s all too much. It hurts to live, yet I’m too scared to die. I’ve thought about drawing a blade across my skin, ripping me open to let death take me. I’ve thought about swallowing those pills, giving myself up to the sleep of death.

I’ve wept, I’ve cried, I’ve sobbed. I’ve retched the darkness from me. But still it lingers. There’s always been this darkness inside me.

She used to hold me through it, help me push it away. I never confronted it when she was with me. She held the darkness away.

But then she was taken, trapped inside her metal body, changed from within and I lost myself as I lost her soft arms around me.

The darkness overtook me completely back then. It threw me open to all the pain, all the evil in the world and in myself. All I could think of was the pain I’d caused. The betrayal. I betrayed, for the desperation that clung to me in her image.

You hated me. I could see it in your eyes. Your fingers curled around the gun you held to my head and you hated me. Your mind went back to those blowjobs against the cabinets of the archives. A distraction. Nothing more. You wanted more. That was the first time I’d seen it.

And later, you held me, though I pushed at you, though you hated me, though I swore to watch you suffer. You held me.

You forced me to live. I wanted to die, so much. The darkness was taking me over, so completely that I hadn’t even noticed. But you held me.

“Jack,” I whisper your name and you hold me and kiss me.

You have the darkness too. I can see it. I can feel your darkness edging at your smile. The oldness in your eyes. It hurts to look in your eyes but I can’t look away. You hold me to you with your eyes.

I know the times you’ve let the darkness take over you completely. You’ve given into it, as I wish I could. But it rejects you. It won’t grant you that sweet peace. Sometimes I think you must have done something terrible to be denied peace. But I know I’m wrong. I know someone doesn’t want to let you go.

I give thanks to that nameless person or power who keeps you here. You’re with me, in my arms and I never want to let you go. Maybe it’s selfish but I don’t care. I need you. I need you to be here with me. And you are. You say you always will be.

You see when the darkness presses close. You turn the light on and smile at me, that tender look in your eyes. I know you have me. You have me in every way. I surrender to you, give myself to you to do with what you will.

You hold me. You will always hold me. Ever present you. If I thought I would live to old age, I might doubt it. But I know I can’t live for long in this job, this world. So I know you will hold me until I die. You will hold me as I die and kiss me and I will know I’m important.

You kiss me now and gaze into my eyes. You’re exploring me, I know. You love to explore me.

You hold me in the darkness and it’s almost like you love me. You touch me so tenderly and hold me so close that I can almost believe it. Almost.

And that is enough. You hold me through everything.

“Jack, Jack, please,” I whisper. I don’t even know what I’m begging for.

But you know. You always know.

“Ianto,” you breath against me. You’re holding me tight. “I’ve got you.”