Title: At The End
Ratings: Adult – sexual content
Spoilers: Series 2
Summary: Grief at the end of series 2.
Disclaimers: I own nothing!
Notes: Comments please!
Gwen’s gone. Rhys took her home and she gets to cry in his arms, have his solid strength comfort her. I am left with you and your silence. I want you to comfort me. I want to be allowed to comfort you but are just silent.
You’re making coffee. I step closer to you, watching your stiff shoulders and the way your hands shake a little as you measure out the finely ground beans.
“Ianto.” I say your name softly, gently. I want you to turn to me and fall into my arms. We need to cry. We need to hold each other, help each other through this.
You don’t turn to me. I put my hand on your shoulder, press my thumb close to the heat of your throat. I want to feel the blood pulsing through your body.
“We don’t need coffee.”
Your hands falter. “Um…what do you need?”
Silence. More silence.
I step up beside you, take the coffee tin from your hands and place it on the counter. I want you to look at me but you don’t.
I put my arm around your shoulders and squeeze lightly. “Let’s go to bed. We could both do with some rest.”
You spare me half a glance but your eyes don’t meet mine. “How long has it been?”
“Since you saw me, since we…”
I look away. “A long time. Years. I…I missed you.”
You blink hard and I can feel you holding your breath. Then you swallow hard. “Did you miss sex?”
Suddenly, you have turned into me and are kissing me hard and fast. I struggle to hold you. You grind yourself into me and I can feel myself responding. It has been a long time since I felt your heat.
You are tugging at my trousers and yours, getting our cocks out and pressing against me so hard. I hold you by the shoulders and let you do the work.
You break the kiss, wrap your hand around our cocks and wank us off together. I hold onto you, watch your face. You look away from me and squeeze your eyes shut. I still hold onto you.
I cup your jaw, let my fingers wander down to your throat and I find your throbbing pulse point. I keep my finger there, feeling the life in you.
As you come, I feel your hot breath on my face. My eyes shut by themselves as I come and I whimper as I feel your body slide away from me.
I recover and open my eyes to see you have gone. I swallow hard and make my way down to my quarters. Our mess has got all over my shirt.
I change, then return to find you busy. I don’t know what on earth you are doing. There’s no work that needs to be done. We’ve cleaned up, sorted everything out. But now you are sorting files. Your hands are still shaking.
“Ianto.” I keep my voice gentle, encouraging. “Come on. We need to try and get some rest.”
“I’ll just finish up here.” Your voice is cold and distant.
I can’t stand this. I need you. I need to be close to you. But you are holding yourself so rigid. I don’t know how to reach you. You haven’t cried, not even over Tosh’s body. You didn’t even come to her side, just stood back and watched.
I go to you, take hold of your arm. I try to keep my touch gentle but I hold you firmly. “Come on. Bed.”
“Let go of me.” There is a definite bite to your voice.
I tug your arm. “No, Ianto. You need to go to bed.” I soften my voice. “You’re dead on your feet.”
You tense and yank your arm away. “Don’t say things like that.” You stalk away and I realise my mistake.
I follow you. You’ve stopped by Owen’s desk and you’re standing staring at it with your arms tightly folded across your chest. I place my hand on the small of your back. “I’m sorry, Ianto. I didn’t think.”
“Do you think he’s at peace?” You glance at me, biting your lip hard.
I put my arm further around you. I don’t really know what to tell you. I’ve seen beyond death. There’s that darkness and the … thing in the darkness but I don’t know what it’s like to stay dead. I have to believe there is peace afterwards. I have to make you believe it.
“Yes,” I say firmly. “I think he’s at peace. I think … they’re all at peace.”
You lean against me, shoulder to shoulder. “I’m so tired.” Your voice is so low I can barely hear it.
I put my arm around your shoulders. “Come on. Time for bed now.” Gently but firmly, I guide you towards my quarters. Your limbs are trembling and I think it’s only my arm that is holding you upright.
I get you down to my room and suddenly you are holding on so tight to me.
“Jack, I can’t …”
I put my arms around you. “It’s okay, you can, Ianto, you can.” I begin to undress you, slowly, lovingly and you still hold onto me. I undress us both to our boxers and it’s then that you begin to cry.
You press your face into my shoulder and I just hold out and let you cry. I try to swallow down my tears but, with your arms around me, they come and, in a few minutes, we’re both letting the tears flow and holding each other through our sobs. At least we have each other. At least there is this. At the end, I will have had you.